“No, you can’t touch her.” “Please don’t talk in here.” “The towel over her head keeps her calm.” “She is just struggling.” “Her lungs are full.” “Meconium aspiration.” “She has probably been in her own meconium for 4+ days”
Now I was starting to worry…
NICU
So, Thursday was a mess, back and forth to the NICU waiting for any good news, talk of a transfer to a level 4 NICU, and numbers that just weren’t promising. No one could tell me she was going to be ok.
Friday, more of the same, until early afternoon, I was alone in my room because Aaron had gone out to eat with my parents so I could take a nap, and the Neonatologist comes in and says, we need to move her. Her numbers are dropping and we don’t have the treatment that she needs.
FULL BLOWN PANIC on my part. Aaron, get back here now! Every blinder was ripped away in that moment. Every emotion came flooding in, as did the tears. She was going to die. but, God you wouldn’t do that. You just gave us this miracle, are you going to take her away?
The doctor started talking about stroke risks, and ECMO, and all of these crazy sounding things and I finally looked the doctor in the eye and said, please stop. Just stop talking. I could barely breathe.
The transport team arrived, and I wish I would have taken a picture of the amount of things and people necessary to move an extremely sick baby. There were 10 people in her tiny room and a tiny box on top of enormous machines that looked and felt like a casket. I felt like I was saying goodbye to my two-day old girl forever. There were doctors everywhere all telling me different things. I finally sort of yelled above all the hustle and just said can I please just look at her, even from a distance and then I will let you take her. I just wanted to see her one last time, if it was going to be the last. Off she went, I didn’t see her again for 4 hours.
Then I was discharged, 40 hours after having major surgery, so we could follow her to the new NICU. I think by far, this was the worst day of my life. I was in pain, weak, tired, terrified, and now I had to pack my bags, leave the hospital, go to another hospital and wait and wait and wait to see her. I can honestly say the tears I shed in that awful waiting room were actually physically painful. I was cut open and sore from walking back and forth to the NICU, washing pump parts and doing all the things I should not have been doing because my baby was unbelievably sick, and I was broken. Aaron and I were broken together.
The name Sloane and the Facebook announcement
Let’s pause and talk about the name Sloane. Aaron found it in early May 2018, and it went on the list. We just kept coming back to it. We LOVED that it meant warrior. She had to have been a warrior to survive in my pit of a uterus, but now the meaning was even more important. She had a long fight ahead.
A few days after she was born Aaron (who isn’t big on social media) asked, are you going to post that she was born? People keep asking me if you have had a baby yet and I don’t know what to tell them... I just burst into tears.
Was she going to make it? I can’t take a photo of her without tubes everywhere… I didn’t get a fresh 48 session. She looks scary… This isn’t how it is supposed to be... This is not how I envisioned this happening… Through years of infertility my end goal was that hospital photo with the giant bow (yes, I always envisioned a girl) and the adorable baby burrito all swaddled up... She was none of those things. She was laying naked on a table with so many cords..so many..
I couldn’t yet… I waited a few more days and finally 5 days after she was born I posted. I still cry when I think about it. It was not how I had always dreamed it would be. I mourn that loss. I mourn the loss of that beautiful skin to skin moment after a baby being born, a fresh 48 session with the bows as I mentioned, the first bath with daddy, the scale... and even a first cry. I don’t think I heard her make a noise until day 7. The NICU is so hard, a lot of people spend time there, I had no idea how hard.
That announcement image will always bring tears to my eyes, tears of joy and tears of sadness.
The Girl Who Lived - (did you get the Harry Potter reference there?)
The amount of people praying for Sloane, including our giant church (College Park) where our head pastor mentioned her name in every service that Sunday, is the reason she is alive. You prayed. God saved her. You all also brought meals, sent messages, shipped gifts, gave gift cards, and prayed more and more. She is alive because of you and our Lord (and I won’t forget to mention the AMAZING NICU doctors and nurses).
Every single night we went home empty handed and exhausted, food was waiting, gifts were on the doorstep, and more messages of encouragement were in hand. When we would wake up and get back to the NICU, she would have improved so much overnight it felt miraculous. Every morning she would do so much better than they predicted.
How do I even say Thank you for that? I couldn’t write thank you notes because I simply had so many people to thank and I didn’t have the time, but please know that we were and are so thankful for the love that was shown us during this time.
Coming Home
I will NEVER forget the moment I first held her 7 days after she was born and I just kept saying… mommy’s got you. mommy’s got you... as tears poured down my face. She was so tiny and my love for her was so fierce. I know all new mommy’s can understand that feeling. It is one of the strongest emotions I have ever felt. Then to feel like you could do nothing to help your child was just so devastating. When I had her in my arms I just finally felt like I was helping, she knows I am here. This will help her. It was such a relief to feel like I could even play such a small part in her healing. Aaron got to hold her too, and what a sight to behold.